lostboy: (chocula)
[personal profile] lostboy
(for Episode 1, click here)
(for Episode 2 click here)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Warnings: astro-sex, Dune references, mermaids, universes.
Summary: The stunning conclusion!

*** deep within the bowels of Dark Horse headquarters ***

WARREN:  Well, we did it.

  Yep.  We did it.

  Yeah.  Heh.



WARREN:  Jeez, somebody order up a hearse, why doncha?  This is our moment of triumph, fellas.  Bask in the glow.



WARREN:  I said bask, damn you!

JONATHAN:  Sorry.  It's just... I dunno.

ANDREW:  Derivative?  Anticlimactic?

WARREN:   Man, there is  really no pleasing you perma-virgins, is there?   I mean, I go out of my way to let you guys get do your whole weepy pathos shtick, and now I get 'anticlimactic."  If it's a climax you wanted, then you should've used my notes!

JONATHAN:  Warren, there's no way I was drawing 'that.'   I mean... I'm not even sure 'that' is legal.

ANDREW:  It is in Vermont.   And Hawaii.


  Or, uh, so, I've read.

  Giles?  Dead.  Magic?  Gone.  Slay-Ho's?  Sucked drier than Andrew's nasty toe eczema.   This is the Triple Crown of deep, dark endings, boys!   And I'm telling ya, the fans are going to lap it up!  Can't you just smell all those juicy Comparative Lit essays cooking?

  Dude.  No.  It's over the top.  And, like, totally contrived.

  Plus, Angel was already the Big Bad guy, controlled by evil forces.  That was Season Two.

JONATHAN:  And "The Master" was Season One.  And Dark Willow was... well, you know...

ANDREW:  It's emotionally unsatisfying.  I mean, Angel kills Giles, and we're all supposed to say "Ooh, just like he killed Jenny Calendar."  It's a little gimmicky.

JONATHAN:  Yeah.  It's like we totally left-brained this totally right-brain thing.

ANDREW:  We crossed the streams!

  Total particle reversal.

ANDREW:  You've got your chocolate in my peanut butter...

  Silence, you fools!


(crunching sounds)

ANDREW:  So, uh, what now?

WARREN:  Now?  Now, we party like it's 1999!

ANDREW:  No, I mean, like, what now.  With, you know... the series.

  Seriously?  Isn't it obvious?

JONATHAN:  Your not gonna say 'boobs' again, are you?  Because, I think we got the message the first hundred times around.

  No, no.  Well, yeah, boobs, but that's beside the point.  We've got the Slayer right where we want her.  Think about it.  We've stripped away her individuality, her autonomy, her sense of duty, her heroic journey.  She's almost finished, almost completely unrecognizable.  This is Strip Poker, gents, and we've got one last ace stashed up the proverbial sleeve...


ANDREW:  Her... lustrous complexion?


JONATHAN:  Her conscience?

WARREN:  No.  But close!  Close, young padawan.


ANDREW: ... Her... pouty lips?

WARREN:  C'mon, you really don't see it?  Mommy and 'daddy' are both gone, now.  Frick and Frack are irrelevant.  Kid Sis is a pod person...

JONATHAN:  And she's fracking Frick!



WARREN:  The point is that the Slayer is all alone in the Big Bad World.  She's alienated from her friends, her family, her brooding boy toys, her entire Universe.  Only one thing left to take, right?  

JONATHAN:  Warren...

ANDREW:  You don't mean...

  That's right.  Her soul.

  Her soul?  Like, her soul-soul?

ANDREW:  Whoa.

WARREN:   Now say it!   Say it!   Who's the king, baby!

JONATHAN:  Buffy the Vampire-Vampire Slayer? 

  Kinda writes itself, don't it?

ANDREW:  Does that mean we can get her back together with... you know...

(refrigerator door opens)

WARREN:  Sure, sure.   We can probably work something out.   I'll send you my notes... hey!   Alright, which one of you nerf-herders drank my last Dr. Pepper?!

(thumping sounds; glass breaking)

ANDREW:  What was that?

WARREN:  What was what?

(a loud CLICK)

  That's not good.

WARREN:  Relax.  They probably just blew a fuse up there.

ANDREW:  Sure.  A fuse.  Heh.

(more thumping noises)
(and a SCREAM)

  A very mobile and terrifying fuse...

WARREN:  Alright, you ladies sit tight while I go get a flashlight.  I'll be right back.



WARREN:  I really just said that, didn't I?


Warren?  Warren?!!

ANDREW:  Warren, can you hear me?  Can you feel me near you?

JONATHAN:  Okay, really?  A rock opera?

  Sorry.  I sorta get this 'musical theater tick' when I'm nervous.  This one time, waiting to get a root canal, I sung all the parts to "How Beautifully Blue the Sky."

JONATHAN:  Could you possibly be a bigger virgin?

ANDREW:  Not technically, no.


ANDREW:  What was that?!

JONATHAN:  Shhh!  No more rhetorical questions.  You'll mark our position.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Well, hello there, boys...

JONATHAN:  Too late.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Hope you dweebs had fun playing with your paper dollies.  Cuz playtime's officially over...

ANDREW:  It was all his idea!

JONATHAN:  Oh, you better not be pointing at me, Anakin Skyweiner!  I just drew the darned things.   You two were the ones who came up with all those super awesome, totally logical plot twists.

ANDREW:  Nuh uh!  I wanted to do a story about lost innocence and the quiet miracle of grace.  But then you and Lord Volde-dork had to drown it in the Sea of a Billion Boobies!

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Uh, are you done with the whimpering yet?  Because, you know, some of actually have lives to get back to.

JONATHAN:  Look, we're sorry!  But we can totally fix this!   We're signed for another season!

ANDREW:  Your valuable input would be solicited!

JONATHAN:  Can't wait to read your notes!
FAMILIAR VOICE:  Nah.  I had something a little more direct in mind.

  Creative control?!  We can give you creative control!

FAMILIAR VOICE:   You're not giving me anything.   I'm writing this story now.   Welcome to chapter one...


(a pair of terrified screams)

WARREN:  Dudes?!

(sound of muffled voices)

WARREN:  Quit messin' around.  It's not funny.

FAMILIAR VOICE:  No.  It really isn't.

WARREN:  It can't be... You're...

FAMILIAR VOICE:   ... a lame Terrorism Metaphor
?  Lesbian Dominatrix?  Brainwashed Meat Puppet?  Interstellar Pinup Girl Extraordinaire?

WARREN:  That's not fair!  Look, I know you and I have had our little 'problems' in the past, but...


WARREN:  ... but, you've got me all wrong here.  I'm going somewhere with all this.

FAMILIAR VOICE:   Oh, you're going somewhere all right...

WARREN:  Hear me out!   It was.. Look, it was just the natural progression of the story.  I mean, it's all about free will, right?  Agency...

FAMILIAR VOICE:   No.  That's what 'Angel' was about.   That's what 'The Dollhouse' was about.

  Character development!  We needed to keep the ball rolling.  I mean, I know we sometimes weren't very... agile, plot-wise.  But the main thrust is solid.  This is an important step in the larger journey.

FAMILIAR VOICE:   If you knew what I was holding right now, you wouldn't be talking about solid thrusts...

  You can't do this.  You can't slay me

  Why not?

WARREN:  Well, for one thing it's completely out of character!

FAMILIAR VOICE:   Really?  I dunno.  Maybe it's character development You know... the natural progression of the story?

WARREN:  Stop!  If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

FAMILIAR VOICE:   Interesting theory.  Let's test it out, shall we?

WARREN:  Ngahhhhhhggg!


(sound of tape ripping)

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Wake up, my little sleepyheads.

JONATHAN:  I'm up!  I'm up!

ANDREW:  I wasn't even sleeping!  I was just pretending!

JONATHAN:  Wh-what are you going to do with us?  Where's Warren?

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Warren's somewhere becoming more powerful than I can possibly imagine.  And if you geeks don't want to join him, I suggest you do everything I say...

ANDREW:  Anything, o mistress!  Color us obsequious!

JONATHAN:   Please, boss us around all you want!

ANDREW:  That's kind of our

FAMILIAR VOICE:  Fine.  I hope you fanboys brought your crayons and your pencils...


BUFFY:  ...cuz we've got a lotta work to do.


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